As I type this, I am in the midst of a rather intense internal dialogue. Over the past ten plus years I have made several stabs at starting a blog. My efforts are sprinkled throughout the perpetual Net for anyone who cares to look. Despite my best intentions, however, none of my attempts have met with any type of consistent success. Lately I’ve been asking myself why this is. It’s a good question, and I’m not sure there’s a good answer. However, the point of my inner dialogue is to try to come up with an answer, and also what to do about it in the long term.
It would be very easy to say my lack of blogging success is due to lack of motivation, and I concede that’s at least part of it. But it certainly isn’t all of it. One of the blocks I run up against when starting the blog process is the sheer numbers game. To state there is a saturation of blogs is somewhat akin to saying the ground gets wet when it rains. Seemingly everyone, their brother, and their Uncle Ted are blogging in some fashion. I have to admit it’s hard to motivate myself when it feels I’m just another voice joining in a cacophonous din of other voices. I have things I want to say, but very often I find someone else has already said what I was going to say much more eloquently than I ever could. In saying this I’m not trying to denigrate my own writing; I know I’m pretty good when I set my mind to it. But with literally millions of others doing the same thing it feels like shouting into a hurricane. Fun question: If something happens and someone blogs about it but nobody reads it, did it actually happen? Seriously, by the time I get around to saying my piece it often feels like mere redundancy. Besides all this, there’s this little evil voice in my head that pops up with the question: What makes you think anybody really gives a flying flip what you think of the price of rice in China anyway? Logically I know many of you do, in fact, care, proven by you reading this right now. However, the narcissistic part of me would like to expand my footprint beyond friends and neighbors. The problem with that is that would require me doing something I’m truly awful at, self-promotion. It smacks too much of self-importance for my comfort level. Nobody has to tell me that this is craziness, but it’s the way my mind works. Nobody is more aware than me that in order to get myself noticed and out there, self-promotion is necessary. It’s just something I have to convince myself of.
Another problem I have when I attempt to blog is focus. When I blog, what, exactly, do I want to blog about? For some time now I have felt more and more passion about Progressive politics. I still enjoy writing about it and engaging about it whenever possible. The problem is, that avenue has become fraught with emotionalism and overreaction on all sides. I’ve lost at least one cherished friend because of political discussions. I remember a time when it was possible to discuss differences of opinion across the full spectrum of belief without it degenerating into a food fight. Sadly, we seem to have lost the art of civil discourse in our society, at least to a great degree. More and more, disagreement is seen as a personal attack at best and treasonous at worst. I often find myself tempering things I say, even those things I feel very strongly about, for fear of offending anyone or losing any more friends. Over time that makes blogging feel more like a chore than a worthwhile pursuit. I could also write about what it’s like to go about my life as a person with a disability. But honestly there are many others doing that same thing now, many quite articulately. Put bluntly, what could I possibly add to the existing conversation? Again, I’m not attempting to demean my own talents here, I’m just trying to be realistic. Looked at another way, am I not more than my disability? It’s a huge part of what defines me, absolutely, but is it the only thing I have to offer? This brings me to the other potential blog focus point for me: my personal spiritual journey. In some ways, this raises some of the same concerns that writing about politics does. There are those who find even the subject of religion, particularly when personal testimony might be involved, as offensive. In addition, this is by definition a niche topic, pretty much limited in interest to those who know me. As I have said, if I do blog I would like to reach a broader audience. I’ve attempted all of these blogging options in the past, but haven’t stuck with any of them. I haven’t been able to actually stick with any one.
So where is all this going? Am I shutting down any and all blog endeavors? Not necessarily. That is the crux of my inner dialogue. Where do I go from here? One thing’s for sure: Not writing at all is NOT an option. Right now I’m leaning toward keeping the blog as is, making posts when I feel the urge and the cause to do so, and not worry so much about who is offended and who even cares. I think it would also be beneficial to start working on other long-term writing projects. Maybe it’s time to get to serious work on that darn book I’ve been talking about writing for years. I don’t know how this will all play out, but one thing is crystal clear to me. I must write. In whatever form it might wind up taking, writing is essential to me. Whatever the case, it’s time to get busy.
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I enjoy reading your blogs and can’t wait to read your book. Writing about feelings is like journaling; I feel a healthy thing to do. You write well Kevin. I have come to realize in my old age, it is impossible to please everyone. So just be who you are and say what you believe.